Every night I light a candle in your honor. It burns fiercely, calming with time, only to drown itself in hot wax and sorrows, no longer able to give off light. That’s how our relationship was: burning so bright, and then nothing at all. The flame completely burnt out, and then you were gone. Tonight I will light a candle in your honor, and for once I will not wonder where your restless soul dwells.
Just Like That
Sitting here I realized
that I have waited forever
for a man like you.
Yet here I am
holding hands,
waiting with a man like you
…and I still seem to be
awaiting something.
Someone.
11/18/14
I was with you again last night. You wait for my eyes to slowly begin to flutter, until they no long have any movement at all, then you make your way into the depths of me. Into my soul. Into my dreams. You appear as you are. You make no grand gestures, or proclamations. Even in dreamland you know that you do not have to try, that adoring you comes effortlessly for me. You show your face, and rear your ever so beautiful head. And, that is enough. Enough for me to wake up with you fresh on my mind. Enough to drive me crazy. But not enough for me to actually believe that you feel the same way.
Broken Promises
I do not speak of
you anymore.
My mouth refuses to utter
your name.
My lips know better
than to long for the way
your syllables
feel on my tongue.
My ears,
however, perk up when
she mentions that
you still laugh at my jokes.
My heart gains a sliver of hope
that has not been felt
in some time, but
my brain knows far too well
that your heart can make
no promises to mine.
Fear This Life
I am recently discovering that I am afraid of a lot of things. And, maybe that’s okay. I am afraid of getting hurt, yet I am also afraid of not getting the chance to truly hurt. I am afraid of settling, and ending up alone. I am afraid of never having the courage to follow my dreams, and getting stuck at a horrid desk job. I am afraid of people not being able to remember my smile, or my quirky sense of humor. I am afraid of frogs. I am afraid that the human race as a whole has given up on being good. I am afraid of dishonest people, and of being too naive. I’m afraid that my patience will never pay off, no matter what everyone says. I’m afraid that no matter how good of a person I am that I will never be good enough for anyone. Mostly, I am afraid that one day I’ll no longer be afraid of these things because I’ll no longer care about them, or anything. And, that is the scariest thought of all.
Memoirs of You: Part III
I picked myself up off the ground, with tears in my eyes. But they were not on my cheeks. I refused to let them fall. I knew what I needed to do, what I needed to be. Brave. I squeezed my eyes shut and forced the tears and anger away. I knew that I needed to remove myself from the situation, but that I must beware in doing so. I must be contemplative over my escape. Impulsiveness can be charming, but deliberation has its appeal as well. He was like a wild animal. I knew to make any sudden movements would only make him feel threatened. He was staring at me intently. His face was guilt ridden. I began toward him slowly, with the tiniest of smiles playing upon my lips. His expression relaxed, and my heart rate slowed. I knew that I could never let him know of the entrapment I felt. I slowly ruffled his hair back with my hand, just like I always did. He gave me a sad smirk, told me he was tired, and walked me to my car. I slowly walked behind him, holding my breath while I kept my eyes steady on his back. I never wanted to be blind sided like that again. I got in my car, as he kissed me on the cheek in the very place that he had struck me. I tried not to cringe at the pain, or the sinking feeling that came with his touch. He whispered that he was sorry. I said that I was, too. Then, I drove away into the night, scared, stinging, knowing that I had made it out. I had survived, and I was extremely blessed. I knew in my heart that I would never return to him, and he knew it too.
J.B.O.
It’s a weird thing: he and I. Our relationship is nothing like I’ve experienced before. We met only a little while ago, but our connection is already strong. He was shy at first, but it didn’t take long to break through his timid exterior. He listens to me when I talk, and even hears the things that aren’t said out loud. He’s there when I need him, and he’s there when I don’t. It’s nice knowing there’s someone there who genuinely cares about my well-being. It’s a great feeling, but not one that I am accustomed to. He is kind, and smart, and funny, and sincere. His eyebrows are as dark as the deepest, unexplored depths of the ocean. They cast a shadow over his eyes and add just a hint of intimidation, but if you look close enough, past all of that, his eyes are a warm mocha, like a cup of coffee, inviting you in on a brisk fall day. His eyelashes seem endless, like our late night conversations. He is nothing like any other guy I have ever met. He is decent, and beautiful. I am easily enchanted by his beauty. With each new detail I learn about him, I am pleasantly surprised. He is beautiful, but it is not his physical beauty that is enchanting. And, I can’t think of many things more attractive than a beautiful man whose beauty is not what actually attracts you.
FSU…(have my heart)
This is a story of a love affair that has not begun. It is a tale of adoration, and hopefulness. It is the lyrics to every song that I sing, every poem that I write. It is every thought throughout the day that consists of you. It is the longing to hear your voice, and to make you laugh. It is the longing for you to make me laugh. It is the number of times that I replay the moment that we first met, and it is the way it felt like I had known you my entire life. It’s knowing that I may not have left a lasting impression on you, but that you surely sparked an unforgettable interest in my heart. It’s the fear that we may never meet again, but the determination to see you soon. It is the confusion of knowing someone for only three short days, and not being able to get them out of your mind…or heart. This story has no chapters. It is only a prologue from the depths of my being. It may never evolve, and it may never lead to anything more. But if it did, it is a story that I would gladly read day after day.
The Truth
I could lie to you, and myself, and everyone. But, I won’t. I could pretend that I miss you every single day. But, I don’t. I could tell everyone that I never loved you. But, I did. I could deny anything and everything about us. But, that would just be a shout into the void and would have absolutely no impact on my heart whatsoever. I’m doing fine, all things considered. I don’t wake up missing you, and I don’t dream about you at night. And, for the most part, things are the same as they were before you and I. I mean, don’t get me wrong. There are times when I’m listening to the radio and a song comes on that we used to sing along to, and I wish that you were there, singing at the top of your lungs, with me. And, there are times when I pass your truck on the road and wonder what trouble you’re about to go stir up. There are times when I’m sad for no specific reason, and I wish you were there because you always knew exactly what to say, even when it was nothing at all. You would just hold me, and that was enough. It was always just what I needed. But when I think back on these things, I smile. I always smile when I think about you. But, I do not wish that things had been different between us. You showed me that love wasn’t perfect, nor was it supposed to be. You knew that I wasn’t perfect, and you didn’t expect me to be. So no, I do not pine over you. But, I will always be grateful to you for showing me that I’m loveable the way that I am. Flaws and all. Because more than anything, you were a true friend to me those few short months.
Our Story
I accidentally woke up this morning loving you. Just for an instant I forgot about our past, your past. I forgot about all the tears. I forgot about all of the reasons that we’re not together. I forgot about the pain of losing you. But as I sat up in bed I regained my consciousness; I regained my memories of you. I remembered the way it felt the first time you kissed me. I remembered the sound of your truck as it pulled out of my driveway the first time you told me you loved me. I remembered the regret that set in as your truck drove farther and farther away, as I realized that I did love you, and that I should have said something, anything back. But instead, I let you leave, completely unaware that moment would change everything between us. Suddenly, I remembered the angst on your face as I finally admitted to loving you. I remembered the stabbing feeling when you told me that it was too late, that it made no difference whether I loved you or not anymore. All of these memories were too much, too fast. Everything hit me once again, all of the emotions. I had lost you, and it was too late. This felt like a nightmare. I slowly laid back down and closed my eyes, hoping that maybe this time I’d wake up and you’d be by my side.
But Honestly.. 