The scariest thing in the world is simply the unknown. What will happen tomorrow? Will there be a tomorrow for me? If there’s not, how will my loved ones react? If there is, will I enjoy my tomorrow? Will I enjoy all of my tomorrows? Probably not. Will I get my heartbroken again? And, this time will it shatter into even smaller pieces than it did last time? Will I cry enough to soak my pillow? Or, will I just shake it off and move on to better things? Will there be better things out there for me? Will I meet new people and be really, truly happy? Will I laugh with sincerity, and no longer force a smile? Will I meet someone new, and completely forget about you? Will it be as if you never existed? Or, will the pain still linger? Will I ever want to feed ducks at the lake again? Or, go to a baseball game? Or, ride a bike? Will I be able to continue doing the things that I love? Or, will I have to learn to love new things, the same way that I had to learn to love new people.
life
Home
I live in a small town. There’s no skyscrapers and the city limits are not vast. We have one gas station, and three family-owned restaurants. A bank, a pharmacy, one grocery store, and one school: kindergarten through twelfth grade. There’s one stop light, and too many churches to count. We bow our heads before we eat, and drink sweet tea with every meal. Your neighbors know your business, along with everyone else in the town. And around here, your mama is always your biggest fan. We say yes ma’am and no sir, and we’ll always hold the door. Friday nights revolve around high school football. And, during the summer we pick freshly grown strawberries and spend our days out on the river. We prefer back roads to paved ones, especially when it rains. And around here, if you have a clean truck, you’re probably not from around these parts. To some people it may not seem like much, probably just a stop in the road on the way to somewhere better, but to us…it’s home.
Tidal Wave
I’ve always hated the expression “it hit me like a ton of bricks.” It has never made that much sense to me. Yes, bricks are heavy. Yes, a ton weighs a lot. But a ton is a ton. Why couldn’t it hit you like a ton of feathers? It’s still a ton. It’s painful either way you look at it, but at least feathers would maybe soften the blow to your self-esteem. The brick analogy just seems overrated. I prefer, “it hit me like a tidal wave.” A tidal wave is a gigantic force caused by the moon and the sun. No one asks for it, yet no one can stop it either. Once it’s set into motion there’s nothing that can change it. They’re unpredictable and rare, a lot like our love in that way. A tidal wave knocks you off your feet. It envelops you in it’s waters and pulls you out farther and farther until you’re irrevocably alone. Water fills your lungs and you gasp and shout, but there’s no one around. No one can hear your pleas for help. Your free-will has been ripped from your cold, pruney hands. It’s inescapable, and breathtaking…literally. I’m drowning in tears and pain and heartache. And, all you do is stand on the shore and watch me suffer. I’m safe now but that’s how I felt after you left me, after you broke all of your promises. It didn’t feel like a ton of bricks at all. That would’ve been quick, virtually painless. But no, you liked to watch me suffer. And sometimes it still feels like there’s water trapped inside my lungs. Sometimes every once in a while I still find myself struggling to catch my breath, even though I know that I’m safe now. I escaped you.
Letters to the past,
1. We were too young.
2. We grew too comfortable with one another,
and boundaries were crossed.
It destroyed our friendship.
3. You were just kind of my perfect guy,
but you went away.
4. You gave me an equal amount of memories,
and bruises. Nothing could have prepared me for you.
But, I don’t regret it.
5. You were a good guy. But,
when I called you predictable it wasn’t a compliment.
6. Your arms became my home for months on end,
and now every time I see you
a flashback from our time together crowds my mind.
I’ve never loved someone like that,
and I never want to again.
7. Timing was not kind to us, but
you helped me find myself.
Thank you.
8. I still think you’re cute as hell,
and I don’t know where we stand. But,
for some reason I don’t mind investing time in you.
December 8th, 2013
I know that things aren’t the same between us anymore, but I still only want good things for your life. I pray that you find happiness and fulfillment. I pray that someday, someone will come along and change your outlook on life. I pray that you become the person that you are destined to be. I pray that you turn into someone whom you’re proud of, and that others will be proud of too. I pray that you find yourself on the ground, and that the only way up is through Jesus Christ. I pray that He becomes your center, and that someday you’ll realize that your past is your past. I pray that you become a brand new man, washed in the blood of Jesus. I pray that one day you’ll understand when I say that I’m not angry, and that you can forgive yourself, just as He has forgiven you. I wish you love, and I wish you luck. And I pray that, for you, the world opens up.
You’re Sad
You’re sad. I can see it in you when you smile, when you laugh. You can hide it; cover it up from everyone else, but not me. I know you as if you were the back of my hand. I know you better than I know myself. You’ve got a face for a smile. It’s a shame that the sincerity behind it has been lost. It’s so apparent that you’re in pain. I don’t see how everyone else can just overlook it. Are they overlooking it or do they just not notice it at all? Are they too busy with their own lives to notice that yours is falling apart? Is that what this world has come to, that even your supposed best friends don’t care enough to see the battle that you face every day? That has to be the only explanation, they don’t care. Unless the case is that they never even really knew you at all, this would make them acquaintances. Not friends and surely not best friends. Best friends know each other inside and out. Best friends know the difference between sadness and happiness, even when it’s masked by a smile. Best friends know that you would never dare walk the hallways with your head held high. You couldn’t possibly because you’re too ashamed; your head is weighed down by mistakes and broken promises, yet your heart beats on false hope. You continue to let people in because it’s not in your nature to give up on people. You couldn’t possibly fathom the thought of making someone feel the way that people make you feel day after day because you know how it feels to be continually let down. You have faith in people because you have faith in God. You know that when things fall apart that it’s for a reason, even when you don’t have a clue what that reason is. You try to tell yourself that tomorrow will be different because if you don’t then you just might not have the courage to get up the next morning. You’re always a true friend, a best friend, to everyone you meet. You believe in being good to people, even when they’re not good to you. You know that all of this sadness is worth it because one day it will disappear. One day you’ll live in a two-story suburban house, with kids running all over, and a husband who loves you unconditionally. You won’t regret that you continued to fight on because you know that what’s to come is more than worth fighting for. You know that one day soon your smile will be restored with sincerity and joy.
But Honestly.. 